Johnny T's Subway Tips
Eh, how ya doin’?
Johnny T here from Glove and Boots.
I’m gonna talk to you today about public transportation.
And in New York, that’s the subway.
It’s how us big city folk get from point A to point B.
We don’t want to, we have to.
So please don’t be a jerk.
Cuz we all gotta put up wit’ you.
Think of the subway as going to a party at a strangers studio apartment at 7 in the morning with 800 other people who all hate each other.
Doesn’t that sound like fun?
No one wants to be there.
It’s like the worst party ever.
There’s party music…
And, there’s refreshing beverages.
But these do NOT enhance the subway experience.
They make you want to strangle somebody.
Subway ain’t all bad though.
It gets you to work and it gets you to Yankee games.
You know what can make the subway even better?
You have to get on and off the subway.
You have too.
How else are you gonna use it?
I’m mean, unless you’re the homeless guy that lives in the corner.
You wanna get on the train, fine.
YOU LET PEOPLE OFF THE TRAIN FIRST.
I ain’t Stevie Hawkins or nothin’, but this makes sense.
People get off the train and now there’s room for you.
Take a look at what happens when you push your way on first.
This is so stupid.
Now there’s no room for anybody.
You’d be amazed how many morons get this wrong.
So, here’s a little poem to help you remember what to do.
Wait a 2 seconds…and let ‘em off first.
Hey, you gotta seat.
Good for you!
You gotta seat for your bag.
Everybody hates you.
If you haft take a bag onto the subway, here’s what you do.
You got 1 bag, you put it on your lap.
You got 2 bags, you put 1 on the floor and 1 on your lap.
You got 3 bags, you put 1 between your legs, you put 1 on your lap, and you put 1 on top of the one on your lap.
If you can afford 4 bags, you can afford to take a cab dummy.
Some people have no bags and they still take 2 seats.
These people are called ASSHOLES!
In the days of yore, a gentlemen worth his salt would gladly give up his seat for a lady fair, but we’re done with all that crap.
Equal rights, baby!
You don’t gotta give up your seat to nobody.
Unless it’s a wobbly old person or a pregnant lady.
Come on, give the pregnant lady a seat.
She’s irritable and it’s like 2 for the price of 1.
But, just make sure she’s actually pregnant.
One time, I gave up my seat to what I thought was a pregnant broad…turns out it was just a fat chick.
Alright, worst case scenario, you’re gonna be on the train for like 90 minutes.
What are you starvin’?
You like one a dem little hobbits from Lord of the Rings who’s gotta eat every 10 minutes?
Wait to eat your food.
Think of eating food in the subway like grade school.
If you must eat, bring enough for everyone.
Actually, don’t do that.
You offer a fork full of street meat to the guy next to you, he’s gonna punch you in the face.
That stuff stinks.
Alright, let’s be honest with each other.
The subway smells bad.
We cannot change this.
What we can do is not add to the stink.
You see this?
We cannot do anything about this guy.
And sometimes, it’s twice as bad.
Please, people, there’s 90 of us face to face in here for at least a half an hour.
Take a shower.
If you had onions for breakfast, brush yer teeth.
But please, do not brush your teeth on the train.
If you’re in your own home, do what you want.
Toss garbage everywhere!
Clip your toenails!
Take a dump on the floor!
You’re disgusting, but go for it.
The subway is not your home.
Don’t do dis.
I have seen each one of these things done on New York City subway.
In conclusion, we all gotta take public transportation.
Go into it respecting your fellow commuters.
Just don’t talk, smile, move, or stink.
You gotta bicycle, do not bring it on a subway during rush hour, what’s wrong wit’ you?
You gotta bicycle, why aren’t you riding your bicycle?